I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
