Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
