so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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