Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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