I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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