I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
