i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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