Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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