So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
