Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
