im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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