My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
