Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
