That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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