I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
