the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
