Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
