I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
