So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
my shit smells like andre
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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