p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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