dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
