Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
