I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just want to make out with him forever
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
