I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
