The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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