Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
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