Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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