alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
