we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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