The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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