Only a mothe r could love this liver
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
