just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
