she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
