brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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