he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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