Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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