sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
