I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
