Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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