Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
