it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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