If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize