So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
