Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You ate ashes out of my bong
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
