my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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