shes about as inviting as chlamydia
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
