either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
