just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
