3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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