and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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