Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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