I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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