The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
