My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
