i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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