I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
