She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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