I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
