Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
