gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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