He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
