I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
